Thank You at least for your honest answer. But you know its also hard trying to talk to someone while getting judged at the same time but I dont mean that in a bad way. Here you are saying that I have some sort of obbession of some sort while my therpist said the same. I completely understand to this degree. Anyone can say i'm over obbsseed with this i know me and i know i am not. I know what happend. I know what happend during my relationship i know what i heard because i've also seen things with my own eye's and heard things i shouldn't have heard. You have no idea the hell i've been through with this man. Everytime my dreams happen it makes me hate him more and more everday. When ever my thoughs come up from my past it makes me more angry and angier everday. I was being verbally attacked by this man and your saying I have a problem. I dont. I was insulted, made fun at, called names to everything you can think off and i'm the one who's overly obbssed with this. So what do I do. I dont even want to think about it. The though of thinking about it makes me sick. Sick to my stomach. And when that happens it makes me want to hate him more and more everday. And you expect to forgive this guy. Not in a million years I wont. I never ever want to talk about my past and go on with my day as if nothing ever happened but you know I cant do that. Because I know one day that I will have to come to terms with it. And when that day comes for me to really break down i will not be able to handel it pretty well. And I dont want to face it right now. Now, is not the time for me to face anything. So you know what Dr.Zeine you tell do you think i'm crazy now? My self confidence has gone way down, I have no self esteem left. But you know that's not going to stop me from living my life. And the bad thing is I cant talk to anyone while getting judged. I use to talk to my mom but everyone is so busy in their lives that they only have the capacity to take in as much as they should. I have no problem Dr.Zeine. Thanks for listening.
Saloumeh
Foojan Zeine replied:
It appears that you are very angry and I am glad that you have a therapist which you are seeing in person.
Best wishes to you.
Foojan
posted by saloumehd on:
12/20/07
Having Trouble Sleeping at Nights.
Hi Dr. Zeine,
You responded to one of my thread. I have another problem going on. Around March of 07 i've been having constant dreams back and fourth and for a big period of time these dreams lasted for about 3 months. But slowely they've started to fade but now its getting picked back up and these been happening sense Dec 1. I though i mentioned to you about the problems i had before with my ex-boyfriend. We've not talked in 10 months and i dont attend too. i've completly moved on with my life and dont even have the time to go back and thing about stuff in the past due to my life being so hectic these days. I've not been sleeping well these past couple of days. As I said i dont have time to think about this person anymore. Here I am going on with my day and at night when i'm sleeping he's in my dreams everynight. I know they say a dream is a dream. And these always happen. But not in my case its not. I"m not stressed.
After the dreams ended back in June. Its starting again. I do anything to keep myself busy. I do the housework, cooking everything you can name of and here I am dreaming about this person. Not only that i've been seeing him around a couple of places. Which I know for a fact that he's not in the same town as I am. So many times, so many times i wanted to contact this person and make it stop but my guts say no and that it will go away. But they have't been sense Dec 1. I'm always getting mixed messages, mixed vibes, in one dream his therpist came and told me he's having marriage problems, and mental problems. That I could care less about. I dont care about this person anymore I really dont and I really dont care if he's messing up his life. All I want is to be left alone by him. Please help me make these go away. There's got to be a way for him to leave me alone. I dont want to talk to him because everytime I do we end up arguing and him making me look crazy over all this. Or is it that I need a proper closure from him? Even If i tried to talk to him in a good way and everytime I do he starts twisting things around and I look like the fool again. Please help me. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Foojan Zeine replied:
You need to leave him alone not visa versa...
Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through so much. It is difficult not to sleep well at night. Because you try so hard to push his thoughts away from yourself during the day.... your subconscious keeps revealing it in your dreams so that your psyche can handle and complete what you are not allowing in the morning.
It is not him that is not leaving you alone. It is your own obsession of him that is not leaving you alone. getting closure from him in reality does not help, because his reality and yours are very different.
You need to get complete on your own. write a letter on your own to him (do not send it). keep writing and say all the unsaid words and get complete on your own. He is not the one you want. He is only a symbol of what you want and don't have. If you can disconnect the symbol and look for what you really want and deserve out there and let him as the notion of the fantasy go.
In reality he is not the one. You deserve to have the one for you. stop waisting your time to prove something to him. He is not the one.
complete yourself without him and move on. You have not moved on... you are still angry at him. Let go of the anger also.... let all ties go. Forgive you and him for all that ever was and move on.
Foojan
posted by saloumehd on:
10/24/07
should i get help?
Salam Dr. Zeine;
this is my first time posting here. So i'm going to try to make this as short as possible because my situation is really long. In September of 2000 i met this guy. We were friends first but progressed into a relationship. The first year was wonderful was great everything was going fine between our relationship. We were in a long distance relationship. He was in Iran i was in the United States. And know it was kind of hard but we pulled through the first year. I'm a type of person once i get comfortable with someone its hard for me to let go of. Things were very serious between us. I went to Iran i met him saw we went out for the past 3 months while i was there. He also did khastegari from my family before i even went. They all approved. The time i went to Iran my grandfather passed away and there was nothing that could had been done and thats pretty much understandable. One time he came by himself and introduced himself to my mom and pretty much talked about his job and other stuff and once he came with his parents. I knew nothing could had been done but the least he could had done was at least get me an engagment ring and to let me know there would had been some sort of a future between us. That left me so devistated. Here i am carrying a year long distance relationship with a man i love very much but no indication if there will be a future between us or not. In the beginning of our relationship his mom never approved of our relationship. But the rest of the family was fine with us. So i went back and the relationship carried on for 3 more years. So it became 4 years. We would have our arguments here and there but nothing big i couldnt handel but my depression kicked in 2001. He would tell me when he leaves town that he back gone for 2 weeks bc of work related. That 2 weeks became a month. He always did that. With the going and comming back. We had a huge fight over that. Over the past 4 years we were together. We have broken up more than 300 times and gotten back together but i can tell you it was more than 300 times. We've had our problems sense 03. Mostly me starting to complain tell him or asking him why he doesn't love me and why he's acting so irrational over this he came up with excuses. Basically i had to pull it out of him to hear him say he loves me. There were situations were our aguments lead us to not talking to one another in 3 weeks to 5 weeks then come back as if nothing ever happened. I know for a fact that his mom had a big roll in his life big time. And till this day i will hold her responsible for our relationship falling apart other then that everything was perfect between us. When my depression happend i isolated myself from my family, i was basically crying everytime when ever we ended up fighting or arguing, i would basically cry myself to sleep. And in 04 i called it quits finally. Even though i didnt want too. It was more devestating to me then him and he took it very hard because when i broke up with him he was a big mess. he begged pleaded and asked he do anything to make the relationship work and i said everytime he did that it would just fall apart. His sister and I were very very close. She also took it hard as well and tried convincing me that to rethink things again and for us to be able to make it work. But i stayed on my word and said no. So after breaking up with him i met someone new and went out with him to take my mind off things my new boyfriend had asked me that if i was sure i wanted to take the relationship further and to rethink about not going back to my ex. I told the new bf lets take the relationship further and see where it goes. This was a week after i broke up with my ex. So months later i end up engaged and a year later married. the contact with my ex would fall then get picked back up. I didnt want to let him go because he was part of my life big time. I didnt want to loose him. but my new husband knew about this. Bc i was upfront with him. When i got married in 05. That was the year where everything clashed together. The fighting had become so intense between me and the ex. He was the one ususally picking the fights. He had too became engaged. He was cusing me out mostly everyday called me every horrible name you can think off and inside it killed me how could this have happened after all this and basically tolerated his abusivness. My relationship with my husband was falling apart. I went into deep depression. And had not gotten treated for it. I didnt show up for work, i had lost weight, i couldn't fall asleep, most night i was awake till 7 in the morning. On the other side my parents were nagging at the same time, as well as my husband and had my own issue's my own problems that i had less capacity to take everything in. i've called my ex several times and practially try to beg him and make him stop for what he's doing because was ruining me emotinally and mentally and i never got through to him he would end up hanging up the phone on me. And the next day he be the same creep that he was and pretend as if nothing ever happened and it would start again. i've ended up in the hospital for trying to committ sucidie and 2 days in the psycatric unit. i was released.
And when i came back from the hospital the fighting got picked back up again then he fought me about me reading into his personal and private email. I called him up and said everything that came out of my mouth. I told him if he didnt cut out these crap he was doing i would inform his parents as well as his wife. He didnt listen. And he did what he had to do. I ended him calling his sister making it sound like everything is going okay. I had asked her nicely to put her father on the phone and to tell him the situation that was going on and for their son to get help because he needed it big time. When he found out it was me. He grabbed the phone and started cusing me out again this time even more horrible. When he got married after all this. He had asked me if it was possible that he and I could remian friends. I said no and that he needs to leave me alone he starts going off on me again. My mom decided to get me help and i saw a psychologist as well as going on depression pills. Also saw a therpist as well. I let things for a while. When i started to feel better i told my husband i need to get away and to put my thought back together if i want to stay in this marriage or not. so i went to iran. to say with family members. my plan was not to go the tehran and tell my family in tehran that i'm even comming there i just wanted to relax and have my privacy. Because it would had brought back to many bad memories. So i ended staying in ghazvin for about a week then i went to tehran to see the rest of the family. was suppose to stay for 3 weeks but ended staying for 2 weeks cuz i couldn't take anymore of being in iran. i had the urge to call the ex and if we could met up and just talk stuff out and hopefully get some sort of closure. he came and picked me up we went out for 30 minutes and basically talked about normal stuff but never got any serious talking done it was impossible to get through to him. he had asked me what was going on in my marriage and i told him my marriage is none of his business to know about. A couple of minutes later he turns around and tells me that he wants to sleep with me. When he said that i wanted to slap him. i got mad at him never said a word to him just got out of the car slammed the door and never spoke to him ever sense. And its been 7 months we have not talked. After that i called and apologized for my behavior. And the end of our phone call he turns back and tells me he still loves me i hung up the phone at him and never spoke to him. till this day i'm still scared of what he will do. the reason i say that because he's not in iran anymore. I'm in Houston he is in California. A friend of mine tells me if he does show up do call the police because he will be capabele of doing anything. I just dont have that in me to do such a thing like that. I cant and wont. I just dont want things to get to a point where the familes have to get involved. I want to avoid less drama in my life. I dont want to be the one calling his folks and have them come up and pull their son out of jail for harrassment. He is capabale of doing these. but i just wouldn't have that guts to do such a thing like this. Not to a person i use to once love so much. do you think i need to get help? should i go back on depression pills? or should i just go and see a therpist? sorry for the long post. Again, thank you for listening.
Thanks Again
Saloumeh
Foojan Zeine replied:
Move on
Dear Saloumeh,
I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. Your ex is not the problem. Your inability to let him go is the problem. YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. The addiction that you are having with your ex resembles a Herion addiction. Even when he does not contact you, you find a reason to continue this sick relationship. You are responsible for your life and your marriage. You made a choice to be in a marriage and you are responsible to get yourself healthy and move forward. SO, yes, continue utilizing medical management with the advice of your psychiatrist and see a therpist as soon as possible. You need to get complete on your own with what you got, what you need and what is missing in your heart and life that you insist on hooking on to a relationship that has been sick 6 years out of 7.
Why do you think that you deserve to be abused? Why is it that you don't deserve to have a great relationship with a man that loves you and gives you all that you derserve to have? Why is it that you think you deserve your ex's abusive behavior?
YES, do not call.... and if he calls... tell him not to call or you would file harassment for him. Then Get a restraining order for him. I promise you that he would not call if he really knows that you are done with him. But you are the one who plays mix message games with him.
Stop..... Get on with you life.... move on....
Sorry to be so blunt... but you need a good shake up...
Warm Regards
Foojan Zeine
posted by nasrin rabbani on:
09/26/07
problem with my girl freind
Hi Dear Dr Foojan,
I already sent you an emeil in regaurds the relationship with my girl freind, I don't know if you recieved my emeil or not. I am still waiting for your answer.If you can please let me know.
thank you, nasrin
Foojan Zeine replied:
Didn't recieve one...
Hi Nasrin..
No.. I didn't receive an email... I did not see a posting on the website either....
I do not answer personal emails, you can either send an email that I can talk about on my show or post it on the website and I will answer.
Warm Regards
Foojan Zeine
posted by Saloumeh Kamran on:
08/30/07
Seeking help to find a job
Dear Dr. Zeine,
I am a graduate student in MA studying counseling psychology. I should mention that I came to US about three years ago and before that I was and ESL teacher in Iran. So counseling is completely new to me and I have no experience in it. I need your help to know where I can start from knowing that I am not as fluent as the native speakers. I want to start work in this field, but I am always worried ( maybe unreasonable wory) that my language skills are not as good as they should. Could you suggest me some area I can start with.
By the way, I usually watch your show with Dr Nayeri and I really enjoy the topic. Actually I consider myself a Jungian and see a lot of truth in what you discuss together.
Thanks in advance for your kind help
Sally
Foojan Zeine replied:
Hi Sally,
Thank you for watching our show. I am glad that you are interested in counseling. I don't know which state you are and what the rules and regulations are. In order to get some experience and see if you would like this field and to progress your language capabilities. I suggest for you to volunteer in different non-profit organizations which are service oriented. Children foundations, domestic violence agencies, shelters and etc. They usually have intake procedures and peer counseling and could train you in their field. If then you can decide to continue your education and complete your hours for lincensure. You also need to make decisions about which license you are interested in. Search from your state boards about the needed qualifications.
Best wishes
Foojan
