www.IranDokht.com
By:
Foojan Zeine PhD - Ali Sadeghi , PhD
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She said... He said
SADEGHI: Ms. Zeine, I would like to discuss with you the case of an Iranian woman who has come to me for therapy. I have altered all essential characteristics of this case, except for its clinical features, in order to maintain client confidentiality. Marjan is 43 years of age. She is a relatively good-looking woman with a high school diploma. She has been married for the past ten years and has two children from this relationship. She says her husband, Madjid, always puts her down.
There is nothing that her husband admires about her, not even her cooking or her manners. When it comes to lovemaking, her husband is always on a rush and gives her the feeling that she is being raped. Marjan speaks in a soft tone of voice, her energy level is somewhat on the low side and she does not present herself as a happy woman. She feels very helpless. She gets hurt very easily, particularly at the hands of intimate people like her husband and children. She wants to know what she can do to improve her relationship.
FOOJAN: It appears that Marjan first needs to improve her relationship with herself. She psychologically feels invisible and not appreciated by her husband. However, since she feels helpless, I doubt that she is able to see and appreciate her own strengths and attributes. Marjan appears to be depressed. Her low energy, sense of helplessness, over-sensitivity, and a sense of powerlessness all point to clinical depression. She is clearly not happy with the way her husband is treating her, however, it appears that she does not feel the strength or does not know the way to assert herself and communicate her feelings and needs. Marjan might also be suffering from a “learned helplessness” which gets created from living in an environment that is hostile, abusive, and demeaning for a length of time. Marjan could have learned to be so helpless and powerless after living with Madjid’s put-downs for ten years. It’s bound to rub off.
SADEGHI: So, Ms. Zeine, if I follow you correctly, you are suggesting that Marjan should take a look at her own strengths rather than the vices of her husband. I am glad you say that because if I were to advocate this position some of our readerships might have taught that I was on “the side of the men”. In my understanding, Marjan is confronted by two sets of facts – one set of facts is that her husband is not appreciating her and the other set is that she wants this situation changed. The former fact creates a sense of helplessness and victimization while the latter one produces a sense of self-efficacy and empowerment.
Marjan should invest herself in self-acceptance while divesting herself from perception of victimization. Self-acceptance means realizing that one’s strengths as well as weaknesses are part of the same self, and more importantly, that one should neither be crazy about one’s strengths nor embarrassed about one’s weaknesses. If Marjan could achieve this position, then her husband’s criticism would no longer bother and hurt her as much as it does now. From a point of self-acceptance, if her husband called her “dwarf”, she would understand that he is referring to her height being 5 feet, 1 inches, and nothing more and nothing less. Therefore, she would respond by saying something like, “My mother was also a kind of small. I think I am more like her.” It is when she herself has not dealt with her physical size and carries associated negative meanings with it that her husband’s “criticism” on this point becomes criticisms.
FOOJAN: You are so very right. When we do not have negative judgment about an issue, then we do not receive other’s feedback as negative. For Marjan to reach self-acceptance she first has to acknowledge what she does not like about herself, create an understanding of how those negative attributes have been created in her, whether they have been a message from her parents, or if she has formed decisions and behaviors from a reaction to a past event empathized with her feelings (i.e., I am not liked, I am not good looking, etc.), and see them as a part of a bigger package of her personality.
Marjan also needs to start communicating her thoughts, feelings, and needs to Madjid. It appears that Marjan’s many years of quietness toward Madjid’s inappropriate and hostile behavior has created a reinforcement that Madjid can get away with this behavior. The only way that Madjid will know that his behavior is not acceptable is for Marjan to state very directly “I do not appreciate your comment, I feel hurt when I hear that, and I prefer if you could state what you need directly rather than a condescending way.” This approach could at first be a shock to Madjid and create resistance for him, however, continuing to approach Madjid with firm boundaries and direct communication could create a space of understanding for Madjid. The least this approach can do is for Madjid to become aware of how he is coming across and then he could choose to change this behavior.
SADEGHI: A serious question is apparent here: why doesn’t Madjid listen to his wife, Marjan? For example, when Marjan says, “Madjid you are hurting me.” It seems that Madjid is not getting it. Why? The problem often is that Marjan is hurt about part of her own life (i.e., she is physically small). She wants Madjid to help her heal that. She thinks she can heal that by having Madjid accept her and never criticize her on that score. But in order for Madjid to be able to provide this healing ambiance he should honestly examine his true feelings about his wife’s height. He should be able to communicate his feelings in an appropriate way to her (i.e., “I always wanted a wife who would be 5 feet, 8 inches”). But if Marjan is very sensitive toward this subject she will never be in a position to play a host to her husband’s complaint. She probably is quick to tell him, “Why did you not marry that size?”, or, “Look at your own bald head.”, etc.. Ms. Zeine, that is why your point is so well taken that Marjan should learn to be comfortable with her before she can ask for acceptance. Self-acceptance comes first. Otherwise, Marjan will be in a spiral world constantly seeking approval from her husband only to get disappointed at the even most innocent comments such as, “Your dinner is salty tonight.”
Ali Sadeghi PhD. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with an office in Encino, California and he specializes in Depression and autistic children. Foojan Zeine, MFT. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with an office in Tarzana, California. She specializes in Couples Therapy. |
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I do not appreciate your comment, I feel hurt when I hear that, and I prefer if you could state what you need directly rather than a condescending way. " |
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